pixiesn0tt: So this huge ass toad has decided it lives in our porch now and the cat doesn’t give a fuck and when the cat leaves the toad gets in it’s bowl and starts stalking and eating the dry food it’s so cute. like I said toad spirit has made friends with your cats
me: Hey Em. How's it goin?
me: Hey pretty kitty. Come sit with me, right here.
me: Oh you want uppies? You want dem uppies?
me: Gimme dat cat hug. Aww das a hug. Kitty kiss?
me: Awww das my bootiful gurl, das my kitty.
I hate when I stretch and accidentally punch things I don’t want to punch
robosexualginger: “i am so ready for the zombie apocalypse, bring it zombies” says the middle-class white girl who never exercises, owns no weapons, and lives in a heavily populated area
I'll tumblr for ya: Oh my God 666 Burger has the... →
coelasquid: “The point of a burger is the meat, it should taste like animals, not toppings, it should feel like a meal, not a snack and it should make you feel privileged to be a meat-eater.” “Our meat is locally sourced from cows that have been raised humanely…fuck that actually, humanely is a common…
rubywhiterabbit: My little brother got into outer space and stuff so my step-mom bought him a place mat with all the planets on it. When I first saw it, I was upset, because it was newer and so Pluto wasn’t labeled. I was about to say something when I noticed something… Pluto is there. The artist remembered Pluto. Guys… The artist drew Pluto crying.
And then my sister brought home a 24" pizza
Oh Mattie You lovely person
wow sudden spiral of self loathing how did this even happen BOY AM I DISSATISFIED WITH MY BODY o whel I’ve got more work to do, better get on that
a conversation with my sister
me: please don't feed the fish jared, I feed them once a day and little spock's been a little bloated recently
sister: yo fish is bloated
me: well she's also full of eggs
sister: SHE'S HAVING BABIES????
me: mattie there's no male in the tank
sister: oh. why does she have eggs?
me: well she produces them but that doesn't mean they're going to get fertilized
sister: oh. I'm full of eggs
me: thank you mattie